I’m able to talk about pregnancy from more avenue than one, unfortunately, and the one aspect that I am really struggling with this pregnancy is the anxiety that comes with already having had a premature baby. Breaking the silence on all aspects of (in)fertility, TTC, pregnancy and baby loss is brave, bold and brilliant, and an absolute must but one thing I haven’t really seen much of when I’ve researched in order to help my own anxiety is pregnancy/having a baby after already experiencing a premature labour and birth. So before I crack on, if you’re reading this and you have gone on to have another child after a premature birth then please get in touch because I’d love to hear from you.
We were given no reason as to why I went in to premature labour with Lily, which is where my soft spot for Tommy’s comes in because they aren’t just there to provide support to those who have sadly experienced misscarriage and still birth, but also those who have had a premature baby (as well as many other amazing things which you can find out by browsing their website and reading the many different stories from people of all walks of life). They did provide us with support as I questioned myself over and over again as to what I could have done differently during my pregnancy to prevent early labour, I blamed myself.
Luckily Lily was a premmie who didn’t need any special care other than spending 27 hours under a UV lamp and slight issues stabilising her temperature, throughout my very quick labour we had a team of paediatric doctors on stand by ready to take to her NICU but thankfully it wasn’t needed – I count my lucky stars daily for this, however, that doesn’t change how scary and daunting it is, and it certainly doesn’t take away the anxiety of another pregnancy ending the same way. What if I go in to premature labour again? What if we don’t have such a lucky outcome as we had when Lily was born? What if I’m on my own again? What if my anxiety and stressing over it brings on a premature labour? The questions I find that I’m asking myself are endless and probably uncalled for and harsh on myself as after all my body did grow, home and feed Lily for 7 months and as weird as this may sound to some being on my own when giving birth (Ash and my mom both missed it… they did say Lily was spontaneously quick) I had to rely on the midwives more than I probably would have done if my family were with me, I had to switch up my mindset from scared and worried mother birthing a premature baby to powerhouse mother birthing a strong willed, keen to see the world baby…. and it worked for us, but sadly I know it doesn’t for everyone. Lily isn’t the only premature baby in the family, her youngest uncle was born at 24 weeks and he too is a survivor, a tough cookie, but being more knowledgeable and aware and having first hand experience with it has its pros and cons. Obviously I’m more aware of early signs, I know to be more cautious and careful throughout this pregnancy, and I have the opportunity to prepare myself as for whatever may happen as best as I can but on the other hand I always find myself over thinking, asking myself the same questions over and over and working myself up in to a state of panic.
The joys of anxiety – it never really does go away does it? It is that black cloud following you around waiting to open it’s heavens on you, and when it rains it friggin pours. My concerns about birthing another premature baby were spoken about with my midwife on my first appointment with her after she’d told me we’d be classed as a high risk and consultant led pregnancy. She was quick to tell me my chances of a water birth or a birth on the midwifery led unit were out of the question and my initial thought was that which ever way my baby is born it’s going to be very clinical, not relaxing and I’m not going to feel completely in control because of my surroundings. Why I thought this I don’t know – Lily’s birth was no different to what she’d explained was going to happen this time round, it was just too quick for any alternative options to be considered. Anyhow – my midwife mentioned going back on medication for my anxiety, she said there’s no reason why I can’t but taking anti-depressants whilst pregnant is something I’ve heard many horror stories about, old wives tales or not, I don’t think I’m willing to take the risk with us being at risk of so many complications anyway.
It’s an on going aspect of this pregnancy that I’m still coming to terms with, learning about and talking about in order for us to have the best most relaxing and stress free birth as possible and I shall be keeping you all updated on what I learn throughout this experience – it’s no secret that no two births are the same but I have been opened up to a whole new type of anxiety this pregnancy.
Below are some websites you may find helpful for anyone dealing with the same sort of anxiety or for anyone who has had a premature baby.
Tommy’s | Bliss | The Smallest Things
lifewithmypack.family.blog 